The Minivan Diaries

Day Two: Fashion Week For Suburban Dads

Yesterday, we kicked off Fashion Week with Similac-stained cargo pants. Not to brag, but I wore mine to all the hottest parties, such as the 100th day of school celebration that raged through kindergarten classes at Chatsworth Elementary.  For Day Two, we’re turning up the heat even more, because this father is feeling frisky. This morning, I cat-walked into my kitchen decked out in an 8-year-old bathrobe, Adidas tennis pants, and open-toe, massaging sports sandals ensemble. Make no mistake. When I wore it to take the recycling outside this morning, it was obvious what Mrs. Lowenstein across the street was thinking: DILF.

This black, “distressed-style” bathrobe is of a faux-cashmere fabric available exclusively in the 2004 issue of The United Airlines In-Flight Magazine, where it is described, accurately, as “The World’s  Thinnest, Warmest, And Plushest Bathrobe.” Over the years, it has never been washed. Thus, there is a timeless quality to the piece, especially around the wrists where the shaving cream and snot have blended into a stiff, reinforced hem.

Like most fashion-obsessed suburban dads, I like to customize my wardrobe. That is why I once brought my bathrobe to Jack the Tailor and had him sew a discreet snap at the top of the neck. Memo to the design team at United Airlines In-Flight Magazine: put snaps on things that people wear outside! It gets cold! Long story short, the left part of the snap fell off about two or six years ago. I glued an auxiliary snap to this area using a sapphire-tone snap I found in one my daughter’s arts and crafts kits. Make it your own, gentlemen. That is what Fashion Week is all about. Try pairing your bespoke bathrobe with black and white striped Adidas tennis pants with egg yolk, as I do each dawn. I used to wear them to the gym, but now that I haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks or years, these slacks make a sporty addition to my morning ensemble. Accessorized with my matching Adidas open-toe, massaging sports sandals, I feel like I’m walking on clouds instead of wood laminate flooring. And when Tuesday turns into Wednesday, I’ll be burning up the runway in…

Check this page tomorrow for Wednesday’s edition of: FASHION WEEK FOR SUBURBAN DADS.


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